Catching up, old friend 💖

 I haven't wrote anything on here in so long! I still love to write! Mostly I send it to my email and then edit it on my laptop. What else is new?

Kevin graduated high school! Jim, James, Emma, and I saw him in person! My mom watched through zoom. It definitely was a day filled with tears and high emotions. I know Kevin didn't understand, but I told him every parent looks forward to certain things; seeing their child graduate is definitely one of them! He has come so far and I couldn't be more proud!

James has completed 4th grade! One more year of elementary school 😱 It's crazy to think about! One kid graduated from school and the other is almost ready to start middle school! 😱

Jim just turned 40. He was sad/upset about it, but it's just a number. He's quite remarkable! We moved up here because Florida wasn't going to promote him without a college degree, well guess what?! He's the manager now and he still doesn't have a college degree! I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and he makes more money than I do!

Kevin said he's not interested in going to college. A lot of people with college degrees don't use them. Yep. Smart teenager. I don't use mine and I'm still paying off college loans! *sad sigh*

I have been at my job for two years now. Still love it! Still thankful for my coworkers and my loved ones. I don't think it's my forever job, but only time will tell.

I still talk to my family almost every day. My nephews have also graduated high school. My niece will be graduating next year.

Kennedy and Oliver both work in Orlando as dancers at the theme parks. They're following their dreams and their passion 💖

Brian moved out of our parent's house and now lives with our brother in Texas. He's still Brian. I talk to him occasionally, but many family members don't. I still have no contact with Jonathan. Last I heard he has "forgiven us". Ummm, we didn't do anything wrong! *frustrated sigh*

Megan Trainor released a song called "Bad For Me". I used to play it on repeat and cry. It really makes me think of Jonathan. I know I did the right thing by cutting him off, but I still grieve for the relationship and the person he was.

I'm still healing from my past trauma. My seizure meds have been increased the past 2 years. It's still scary, but so far the new dose is working fine. I don't know what else to say...

Some days are hard but they're few and far between. For the most part I'm loving life and still feel blessed for my family and the loved ones I have. I'm grateful and I appreciate all of them! It's because of them that I'm here! On my difficult days I watch things to make me laugh and I talk to Jimbo or Emma. They usually calm me down 😊 Sometimes I include Kevin in what's going on. He's a young adult now and I appreciate the relationship we have! I love him and James so much! They both complete my heart 💖 They are what gives my life meaning! 💖

Anyway, so that's the Panko's. 💖

Memoir for Colin

 I keep hoping that this is a nightmare. Something I can wake up from and you'll be back. I know we weren't close and I haven't really spoken to you in years, but this feels surreal. I guess every death feels that way... I remember I dreamt that you got better and I hugged you. You thanked me for being a good friend and those words were reciprocated to you... I remember I had that dream for my little cousin, Chloe too. I dreamt she was never sick. We hugged and played like I always longed to before she was too fragile... I feel like grief has taken a hold of my heart and I never know when it'll squeeze it. Sometimes I see posts from your mom on Facebook or a picture of you skating... it's sad. Another life cut tragically short. I would've loved to see you settle down, get married, and raise kids... I know it wasn't something that you were looking for before you died... I guess I can't help but wonder who you'd be today had you survived... would you be more cautious? Would you voice your regrets? I have no doubt you'd still be stubborn. The doctors would tell you to be careful and to rest, but you'd be at the skate park with your friends. I think of you often. Every time I'm outside and I see someone on a skateboard or when I'm riding my bike... whenever I watch Dragonball Super or any anime for that matter because I only watch them in Japanese. Luckily now I have the option to watch them with subtitles, we didn't have that in Japan... Thank you again for the memories...

I remember going to restaurants and playing games; I remember birthday parties and playing outside; I remember jumping on your family's trampoline and learning judo after your surgery; I remember racing bikes, trading cards, collecting cards, swimming in the ocean, our families camping together, and catching a giant crab in a bucket to give to my mother... 💔😭💔😭💔😭 You were one of my first best friends and I never ever forgot you. Thank you for being you. I never forgot your stubbornness. When others would try to tease you, you always stood up for yourself. I remember hearing about your bad car accident and the doctors advised you to give up skateboarding, but you never did. When others tried to make an unfair trade (with or dbz cards) you called them out on it. You always knew who you were and you always made sure things were fair. I don't remember fighting with Brian so much in Japan and maybe that's because you were the mediator. I know you were Brian's best friend but you were mine too. Thank you for choosing us all those years ago. I loved having you for a friend. 

Enough is enough!

America stands for freedom... but what are we free from? We have free speech so we're not free from bullying. Even as adults. It happens in the workplace or the gas station by complete strangers. Freedom of religion? Sure, but strangers are going to knock on your door to persuade you to join theirs. Freedom to bear arms? Sure. It'll only cost you the lives of your children. Let that sink in for a moment.  The children whose last moments were panic. Their safety stripped away, their bubble broken into because of your pride. Was is it enough? When will it be enough? How many innocent lives must be lost until it's enough? We claim to be prolife but seriously what are we doing to protect our living children? How many more mothers, fathers, siblings, aunts, and uncles need to live in fear before we say enough? When are we all going to agree that this is enough?! It should've been enough yesterday! Last month! The last shooting! So let's start now! Let today be enough! Let's protect our children! Our brother's children! Our sister's children! Our neighbor's children! Let's put aside our differences and say enough is enough! No more guns! Stricter gun laws! We keep saying guns aren't the problem but clearly they are! They're too easily accessible! You can buy them, strip them down, and build your own now. If that doesn't frighten you, it should! There has to be a time when our children are more important than our pride! Let that day be today! Something has gotta change! Let's protect the children! Let's start today by saying enough is enough! Protect the children!

My Childhood Friend, Colin

 If we're friends you've probably heard of me talking about my childhood friends. Especially the Disparte's. Our fathers were both in the military together and served on Kadena Air Base. We lived in Chibana housing in Okinawa. The parents were Frank and Carol. Together they had 8 great kids! We lived diagonally from them. Our house was the first house on the right and theirs was the last house on the left. We were always there at their house and vice versa. A lot of times we would jump on the trampoline in their back yard, go biking around the neighborhood, or watch Dragon Ball Z. In fact, it was their youngest son, Colin, who introduced us to DBZ.

Colin was two years younger than me, but we got along much better than his older siblings. I think it's because we had more in common. We all loved being outside, playing outside, collecting DBZ cards, playing with DBZ figures, and playing video games. Our two families got along great as well because their 8 children each found a friend in one of us. My older brother got along with the three older brothers and my older sister got along with their older sister. I mostly played with the younger three, as Kali wasn't born yet. This consisted of Colin, April, and Audra.

Our families did everything together. We went on beach trips, to restaurants, to the movies, and camping together. No matter what we did it was always fun. I remember when Colin had surgery my brother and I kept him company by watching TV with him. This is the only time I remember him not playing outside and it was because he was too sore.

Now my heart aches because last month he was diagnosed with covid. Then last night he passed away. I know we haven't talked in some time, but I still remember the kindness and friendship he showed me all those years ago. Even after we moved back to the states it was Colin who kept in touch with me and sent me DBZ cards. I remember going with him and his younger sister dozens of times to the Japanese store for DBZ cards. I remember he was the one who pointed out that one of them was a peel-off, a card on top of another card. He was one of my best friends.

The last time I saw him was when we were teenagers. I was shy then and so was he so we didn't say a lot to one another. We were friends on Facebook and Instagram so every once in a while we would comment on one another's posts, but I still loved him and his family. As a kid I was used to seeing them every day and so it was hard when my dad was forced to retire. Not only did I lose my childhood friends, but we also had to move to the states...

Even now as an adult I think of all the fun I had in Japan with their family. I still collect DBZ cards, action figures, and other anime. It was the happiest time of my childhood. Therefore, I'm thankful for Colin and his family ❤ They really were my second home while we lived in Japan. 

I'm sorry we fell out of touch, Colin. I can't help but cry because you were an awesome person, friend, and I know your family love you and will miss you. 💔 Audra came up with a plan for people to call a number to leave a voicemail so you could hear it... I wasn't ever brave enough so I'll post my thoughts hear. I love you, Colin. Soar high and keep on skating ❤ 

July 24th

I keep thinking to myself that you're going to beat this. You're going to be strong and stubborn like Vegeta. Maybe go super saiyan and burst from the hospital room, off the ventilator... please pull through...

August 5th

I keep thinking of what I would like to say to you... I'm sorry I haven't talked to you before now. I wish I could go back and change it. I wish I had told you how much you and your sisters meant to me. How grateful I am for your friendships in Japan! I remember bike riding with you guys, the trips to the beach, watching dragon ball z together... those are the best memories from my childhood. So thank you. Through social media I'm able to stay in contact with you and see what you post... all I have ever wanted for you and for your family is to be healthy and happy. You have each impacted my life so much. So again thank you. My family and I love you and have been continuously praying that you will beat this and stay healthy. I hope you hear this message and it reminds you that you are loved beyond measure and that you have the strength to beat this. I love you. My family loves you. Keep fighting.

And today

"Tell me this is a mistake," she said to the darkness. There was no answer, "How am I supposed to go on living? The world will never be the same. How do I live in a world where he doesn't exist?" 

For a brief second she thought she saw him in the glass window. She turned around and saw him standing before her, "As long as you remember me I am never truly gone. I will always be with you right here," he said as he pointed to his heart.

"I love you so much," she said. 

"And I will always love you," he replied. "Don't be sad. You may not see me but I am forever by your side." She saw him vanish before her eyes and she began to cry. She held her hand by her heart and heard him say "I am forever with you". 

This reminder brought a smile to her face. "I'll never forget you," she said. She took one last look around the hospital room before walking away. "I will carry you forever in my heart until we meet again."

Before we moved to the states baby Kali was born.  

Carol with her kids;
Koral, Frank, Quinn, Eric, Colin,
April, Audra, Kali

Colin and Eric at Brian's birthday party

Soar high and keep skating

I hope you're skating on Heaven's rails

August 23, 1986 - August 9, 2021
Miss you, Colin

What I Wish You Knew... Another Autism Article

Thank you to everyone who has read and/or shared "I am My Son's Advocate". It is a topic I am very passionate about. I love my boys and my goal is to be the best mother and wife that I can be.

I know that my son having autism takes nothing away from him and I hate when people say vaccines caused this. Science has come a long way. If it weren't for science I'd be dead because I'm epileptic. So thank you to the scientists and the doctors who developed anti convulsants.

There's a meme going around on Facebook that I really like.

I really like this meme and I agree with it 100%. I know research says that there is more people being diagnosed than so many years ago but that is because doctors are better at diagnosing.

I can only imagine how frustrating it was for the parents to not have the answers that they would have had to today, or the individuals who got diagnosed as adults. I was relieved when we got our answers. I did not understand why Kevin had meltdowns and struggled with communicating. I did not understand why he had problems making friends or doing what the other kids were doing. When Jim and I got our answers it was "aha" and a little frightening...

His diagnosis lead to more questions, "What does this mean? Is he going to still have trouble making friends? Does this mean more bullying?"

Kevin has grown into a wonderful young man. He's in his teens now and has made some great friendships. He struggles with it a little bit because he's shy and he stays away from fads. For instance, he doesn't like Fortnite and popular bands. He has a passion for Pokemon and computer games. (The games changes almost monthly). As for the bullying it's not really an issue. As my husband pointed out, he's tall for his age so people assume he's older than he is.

He's still smart. School and academics comes a lot easier to him than they ever did to me. He's witty and sarcastic, but not always at appropriate times. He has trouble sleeping because of his imagination and still does not like scary things. This year he passed up the chance to go to Halloween Horror Nights as he felt it would be too scary. However, he's kind and has a big heart.

He is always giving me hugs and if there's ever a waiver in my voice he asks me what's wrong. He loves playing with his little brother and enjoys learning. Someone I know equated autism with her daughter's glasses, ADHD, and dyslexia. She said if her daughter didn't have these things then she wouldn't recognize her. These quirks are what makes her who she is and she would never change it or take it away! That's how I feel about Kevin. I really don't like the label "disabled". Kevin is not disabled! He processes things differently that does not mean he's disabled!

There's a lot of celebrities who have things like autism, dyslexia, and ADD! Could you imagine a world without it? I think it would be very boring if we were all similar! The people with autism are most likely the ones who think outside the box (like Temple Grandin) and those with ADD (like I'm sure Robin Williams and Jim Carey had/have) it makes for great comedy!

All I'm saying is see the person for who they are. Here's what I hope you take with you after reading this article:

Videos for my boys

Kevo just graduated out of middle school. These are the pictures and songs I compiled for him💖

James wanted a video after seeing Kevin's so I made one of his baby pictures 💖

Toxic Relationships

I recently read something about a toxic mother, so here I am talking about my toxic relationship with my brother. People are often surprised to hear my family and I have no contact with my older brother. Oh, the stories I could tell. My brother never physically hit me, but he used words like a knife...

It started when he was a teenager... maybe before that, but this is what I remember. He got into drugs and went into rehab. He ran away from home multiple times. Once to live in the woods behind our house and another time to live with friends... when he was at our house it was to get his stuff. Never to talk or hang out. One night he made the comment "my friends are better than my family". It really hurt my feelings but he didn't care. He thought it was funny to make his little sister cry.

He went to a different state to get his GED. He met a girl through the internet and continued to move to different cities with her in tow. He and my parents were always fighting. His girlfriend's parents kicked her out for not breaking up with him. They were both incredibly selfish people.

They got married before me. My brother refused to come to my wedding because his wife was my maid of honor and they were having problems. This was his way of hurting me on my special day, but he declared I didn't tell him the day or time. However, I called him numerous times to ensure he was coming. Despite his faults he's my big brother he should be at my wedding, right?

Everything was about my brother. I went to a concert with him and his wife. My brother was drunk and yelling at us for listening to "girl music" in the car. He was so upset when we were stopped at a red light he got out of the car and walked away. Nevermind we were at least an hour from home. We drove on. His wife took me home before going back to look for him.

On my birthday my mother had just finished icing the cake when my brother got every knife in the house and stuck them in the cake. It looked like a pin cushion filled with knives.  This hurt my feelings and my mother's. He found it hysterical. My mother locked herself into her bedroom to cry...

At my son's 4th birthday party at the park we grilled hamburgers and hotdogs. My brother picked up soda cans and put them on the hot grill insisting it would be hilarious if the cans exploded and sent shrapnel flying. At a park? With children around?

Then it was my niece's baptism. He refused to put on a shirt for the baptism and when the bishop politely asked him to, my brother's response was, "F*** off!" Loud and clear.

At my nephew's birthday party he drew swastikas on her back porch. We were in disbelief... none of us are racist or hold a grudge against anyone or anyone else's religion. We asked him to stop and again he had a colorful retort. He then went to my sister's trampoline and ripped the bars off of it.

I was getting remarried and both my fiance and I were worried about him coming to our wedding... he has proven time and time again that every occasion should be about him. There was always fighting, cursing, we were the bad guys, he the victim. Everything is our fault! Even now when we're haven't spoken to him in years! It's our fault for his bad decisions! Our fault he has problems! Our feelings don't matter! It doesn't matter the times he wrote us off and we were dead to him! We should just forgive him because he was joking. Oh, we took offense? That's our fault for being sensitive. We want him to go to counseling? "Why? There's nothing wrong with me!" Never mind the money he stole from us, our possessions, or anything he destroyed. We should get over it. "We're family," he'd say. It was a circle. We would cave, he'd need money so we'd give it to him and as long as we kept giving him money he was happy to have a relationship with us. Well, we were becoming broke from helping him pay his bills, paying for school, paying for daycare... we finally said, "ENOUGH!"

But we're still the bad guys?! It's maddening and frustrating, but you know what? I sleep better. Someone who manipulates you and uses you should not be in your life! Whether they're family or not! My boys will never know him and I am forever grateful!

My heart breaks for those who can relate to my story. This wasn't a decision we took lightly. It was years of manipulating, cutting us out, and then coming back with no apology. If you're going through this with anyone family or friend respect yourself enough to walk away. It's not an easy decision, but you'll be happier in the long run.