Purple Day

I feel as though I should write today. For those who don't know today is Purple Day for raising Epilepsy Awareness. I came across a picture that said "why should I raise epilepsy awareness when it doesn't affect me"? Well, once upon a time epilepsy didn't affect me either.

I've now been living with epilepsy for half of my life. Many people wouldn't know that I live with epilepsy. It's not a disease that you can see and fortunately we've found a medication that has kept me seizure free for the last six years, but there are thousands of others whose are not controlled by medications. Whose lives are so much worse because of this  neurological disorder. It's hard to explain what living with epilepsy is like... You're constantly afraid of when the next seizure will happen, if your meds will stop working, and how it will affect those around you.

I was fifteen when I was diagnosed and had many seizures aftwerward. Sometimes I'd have allergic reactions to the medication, the medicine would stop working, or I'd lose my health insurance. I've had seizures (grandmal and petitemal seizures) at school, at a restaurant, my home, the hospital, my work... And every time I would wake up in a cloud of incoherent thoughts, a migraine, and people standing around who could not speak English. And half the time I didn't recognize my surroundings because I was in a hospital bed or I was on the floor... Evey time I had temporary amnesia. I didn't understand the words people were spitting at me, I couldn't recall my name, my address, my parents names, or anyone's phone numbers.  Can you imagine waking up and not understanding why you're on the floor with strangers shouting at you in a language you don't understand? Or when your language and understanding comes back but you don't remember your name or your parents name? It's enough to make you cry and want to hide.

Or a petitemal seizure in which your arms have tremors or your legs give out beneath you. I can remember singing in Chorus class and throwing my sheet of music on the floor... Or drinking a Slim Fast before school in my mom's car and I kept dropping it over my lap... Finally my mom would have to turn around and drive me home to change because my pants were convered in the chocolate drink. One time I ran to my aunt's van and my legs gave out. I landed face down on the pavement and because it was a tremor I couldn't even put my arms out to break my fall...

It's hard to believe that I've lived with this disorder for half of my life. That it's had such an impact on my life. Still my story fails in comparison with others. I know of those who were not as fortunate and have died from having a seizure... And I've had family who were forced to leave the army because of seizure episodes as well...

Just seems crazy to me that people are not informed about epilepsy. Instead they turn a blind eye. It's life threatening and it affects 1 in 26 people! Be informed! You never know what it could mean to someone if you're the one who chose to help somebody that started seizing. I know I'm grateful for all who have helped me. It's because of you I'm here and not afraid to say "I have epilepsy". Thank you.

Today I wear purple and am doing my part to raise epilepsy awareness.

Accomplishments and Resolutions

It's been a while since I have posted anything... Minus the one I just updated for my Big Dad.  Our family of 4 is doing well. Kevin grows smarter every day. This Monday his school had an award ceremony and Kevin got 3 awards. Two were for staying on Honor Roll for both grading periods and he received one from his Drama teacher for being the most improved in his class.  Jim and I are both so proud of our Kevo's accomplishments thus far.  Kevin is coming more and more out of his shell every day.  He's getting better about vocalizing his feelings and desires.  He still uses a much more advanced vocabulary than I used at his age.  For no real reason other than we wanted to, we bought Kevin a new bike, which he loves as he and I went for a bike ride today.  Kevin said "it was awesome" and that he loves spending time with me. Having two kids makes it harder to have one on one time with Kevin so when we do get time alone it's a special occasion.

James will be two in a matter of months! His vocabulary is growing more and more every day, which I love witnessing.  We play games on my phone, he loves watching Mater Tales, so all of us can pretty much rehearse it along with the show or when we're given a cue. He's also very tall and is wearing a size 3T already! He needs to stop growing...  But alas we love our little Jamesers. Even Kevin loves his little brother and loves to help out with him and getting him to laugh. His newest accomplishments have been: sleeping in his own bed, in his own room, and drinking from a sippy cup. We finally threw away all his bottles. Yay!

Jim is still up to the same ol', same ol'; working til he drops. We all appreciate it though.  Because of his hard work I don't have to work and we have all our needs met. We all love Jim and are so very grateful that he takes such good care of us.

Then there's me. I spend a lot of my time hanging out with Baby James and picking up/dropping Kevo off at school or his activities, which I love spending time with my little guys so I'm forever grateful. I only have two resolutions this year and that is to live a healthy lifestyle and to be mentally healthy as well. This past week I have noticed old symptoms resurfacing so I am back on medication. A part of me is really saddened by this, but I also know that it is for the best.

So to all those who are suffering just hang in there. It'll get better.  I still believe it.  My sons and husband are what gets me through my tough days; and with all the accomplishments of James and Kevin I know that I must be doing something right.  I am so grateful for them and for my husband as well. I hope 2015 brings us much happiness and we all accomplish our goals.  I wish that for those reading this as well. May we all strive to be healthy and happy! And to only compete with who we were yesterday!

Happy Birthday, Big Daddy!

So I meant to post this for my Big Daddy on his birthday...:

Today would have been my grandpa's, Big Daddy's, 85th birthday... I've heard a lot of stories about him over the years and so I wanted to share a few...

When my dad was forced to retire from the Air Force my parents wondered where we would go. My dad's parents had passed away previously and so my mom suggested we move to Florida so that my siblings and I could get to know our only living grandparents.

We lived at Karlo Court in Deltona for a short time with our grandparents. My sister and I shared a room and my brothers shared a room. There was an outside pool in the backyard and a play house where the neighbor kids and I all played. It was a big adjustment but over time I think we all learned to love it.  Big Daddy loved all of us and wanted to be a part of our lives. I think that's why he let six people move into his house that he shared with his wife and son.

Big Daddy always attended family functions. He attended The Nutcracker, baptisms, and, of course, was around for holiday get-togethers.  I am forever grateful that he allowed Jim and I to have our wedding in his backyard.

He loved having the family together so a lot of times we'd go to Time Shares together in Georgia or at Daytona. He also liked playing cards games and over the years taught us to play Old Heck, Phase 10, Hand and Foot (which later became Hand, Knee, and Foot), and Dominoes.

For those that knew Big Daddy knew that at times he could be a handful. He liked things a certain way, he could be loud, or argumentive but he always meant well. After our visits he'd say, "Drive safe. PC," which meant precious cargo because that's what he thought of all of us. We were, we are, his precious cargo.

He loved the LDS Church and even when he and Granny moved into The Villages they still attended church regularly. He loved playing golf in the gated community in which they lived. He and Granny made friends there that would play card games with them. Whenever we went to visit them it was always guaranteed that we'd go to the town square to dance and end the evening at Ollie's where Big Daddy would treat us to ice cream.

I especially missed him over the holidays. We have always had our holidays together as a big, loud family, and remains one of my favorite times of the year. This year, however, Big Daddy wasn't there to bless the food, to meet his new great-grandchildren, to hand out hugs, to hand out money to the younger kids, and enjoy our company...

Granny has been handling his passing well. She said it's like he's at work (the army) and he'll be back, even though she knows it's not true. She misses him greatly and so she and some family members are going to visit his grave this weekend.

So in closing I just want you to know that you are missed, Big Daddy. I think of you often... I remember you arguing with Kennedy that she was going to get food all over her dress and Kennedy said it wasn't a dress, it was a big shirt; this argument went on for a while until Granny asked "Are you arguing with a three year old?" And you said, "I'm not arguing, she's arguing!" Granny then replied, "It takes two to argue."

The year before that when we were at the cabin we: Renee, my mom, Granny, Emma, and I went to get food (and you were really craving French Fries); well Renee accidentally drove us into a ditch and while we waited for someone to help us Granny sat in the car and ate all the French Fries. When we finally got back to the cabin we told you that their fryer was down.

I remember after the eighth grade you took me on your trip to Illinois where I met Uncle Miles, Aunt Janet, Todd, Ally, Jeremy, Holly, and Katie for the first time. I remember being really nervous at first because I was a shy teenager but I had a lot of fun hanging out with my cousins. I got to see my Uncle's goofy sense of humor first hand after hearing about his pranks from my mother. I got to see my Aunt and a couple of her many talents: teaching, cooking, baking, quilting. I had a lot of fun.

So for the fun memories thank you. I hope you know that you're missed. I hope that wherever you are you're at peace. Love you, Big Daddy and Happy Birthday.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

So as this year comes to a close I can't help but be grateful for my many blessings. The year started out with much sadness as my grandpa, Big Daddy died. However, a lot of babies were born this year into our family and I know he loved all his grandchildren and great-grandchildren so that would've made him very happy. I believe that there is more to this life, that we go somewhere after we die, and I believe that Big Daddy got to meet his great-grandchildren there before they came to us.

So what else is new with us? James is growing like a weed! Today he is 20 months old! My how time flies! He loves cars, he loves "Mater's Tall Tales", and he is a bit of a dare devil. It's amazing he's made it to 20 months with no stitches! He has no fear! He loves climbing, running, spinning himself in circles, loves playing with the big kids, and loves books! He's also very stubborn. He only says words when he wants to. He can say: apple, up, Luna, Bubba (Kevin's nickname), row, cluck, wake up, get up, and shut up. His favorite word is "no". I'm also happy to report that he's a very healthy little boy. ❤

Kevin is coming to grips of going to school every day. He still loves Science. When the book fair was at his school he picked out a big $20 science book. I love that he loves Science. His goal for now is to get a job related to science when he grows up. He still loves Pokémon, video games, and penguins. He also continues to get taller and taller every day. Right now he is up to my chin and he wears a size 5 shoe, which my feet can fit into. He still sees a therapist every two weeks to help with Aspergers. He is getting a lot better at communicating his feelings and is becoming more confident with who he is. ❤

Jim has been working at United Fire for four years now. At the beginning of December Jim and I got to go to a Hockey game in Tampa to celebrate United Fire's 15th Anniversary. The company paid for our tickets, had food and drinks for us, and a hotel room. We're really glad that Jim has found this company! And they appreciate his work as much as Jim loves his job. ❤

As for me, as you might've read from my last blog, I'm doing much better. I am off of Zoloft and doing awesome! I have more energy, no suicidal or homicidal thoughts, and I'm feeling like my old self again. I'm still a stay at home mom because I love spending time with James and Kevin whenever I can. ❤

We did have a scare this year though. My mom had to take my dad to the ER because he was experiencing chest pain. Luckily it wasn't anything serious because he was only hospitalized for a few days. He was put on a liquid diet while he was there and lost weight. The doctor said he needs a no salt diet, no sweets, and needs to exercise more. If he gains three pounds in a week he has to go back as that means he's retaining water again. So far he hasn't had to go back and is losing weight from eating healthier. ❤

When he was in the hospital only I went to visit him. Jim stayed home with the boys. Kevin hugged me when I got back and so I told him Grandpa was doing great and should be released from the hospital soon. Kevin hugged me tighter and said, "I don't want your dad to die." That comment almost sent me to tears but I assured him that Grandpa would be okay. When my dad was released from the hospital Kevin asked his teacher if she thought his Grandpa would be okay. She reassured him that if the doctors released my dad then that means he'll be okay. Then the following weekend we went to my parents house and Kevin walked into my parents bedroom where I was talking to my mom and my dad was relaxing on the bed and Kevin said, "Are you feeling better Grandpa?" My dad said he was feeling lots better. Kevin smiled, "Good". Just that little conversation made my eyes tear up. To know that Kevin was so concerned that he brought it up to his teacher and to my dad ❤ Just pulls on my heart strings to have such a kind and sensitive boy ❤

Anyway, I wanted to share pictures of the new babies that we welcomed into our family this year as well as wish our family, our friends, and everyone reading this a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Heath and Bekah welcomed Adam
 into the world on Feb. 7

Ben and Lizz welcomed baby Kai on March 18

Colt and Katie welcomed baby Conner on July 25

And the newest baby to make

 her way into the world is Lilybell,

born on Dec. 20 to Jeremy and Hannah

 Congratulations to all my cousins for their newest additions this year;

Fish cousins: Kevin 9, Kennedy 13, Oliver 10,
Hayley 8, baby James 19 months, and Kalib 9

Kevin 9 years and James 19 months old

And to all our family and friends, as well as those reading this blog, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I Am Surving Postpartum Depression and So Can You!

Getting pregnant with James was hard enough. Took us 10 months of trying on fertility drugs. Then when we were finally pregnant I was afraid of having a miscarriage... But everything went well. I attended college, got good grades, and toward the end I talked with my teachers so that I could take my finals over the summer as James was deemed too big for a natural birth and so I was scheduled to have a c-section during the week my finals were to take place.

Everything seemed to be going perfectly... Then when our son was born I wasn't able to hold him because he had fluid in his lungs. It's such a horrible feeling to hold your baby in your body for nine months then not be able to see him or hold him. After ten hours the doctors finally brought baby James to me for Kangaroo Care, but only for fifteen minutes. It was such a frustrating time... Then the next day we were told James would have to go to a different hospital. I was so broken hearted. Still I told Jim to ride in the ambulance with James and keep his eyes on him at all times. My mother waited with me to be discharged from the hospital then drove me to Orlando to be with my baby.

Once there we learned that baby James was jaundiced, he had a heart murmur, and his breathing was still too rapid. Jim got us a room at the Ronald McDonald's House around the corner. It was the longest three days of our lives. We would wake, get a ride to the hospital, and spend all day with James in the NICU. We only left his side to eat and sleep.

Once home I was afraid to leave his side. Always wanted to make sure he was still breathing. Then slowly I felt out of control. It started with crying. Endless crying because I didn't feel good enough. I didn't feel strong enough to be a mother. Then the intrusive thoughts started. They were horrible and constant. From  poisoning to cutting. Ridiculous things I knew I would never act on but for some reason they stuck around and got worse. I was afraid to sleep... Afraid that another personality would take over and act on the thoughts going through my head. I thought I could ignore it. I only went in the kitchen to make bottles. Afraid I'd hurt myself or others so I hid scissors and my husband's box cutter from my sight.

From there it got progressively worse. The lights seemed too bright and I constantly felt like I was dreaming; I was constantly questioning what was reality.  My whole body was numb so how could I trust that I was awake? So I started telling myself "My name is Heather Panko, I am married to my best friend, we have two adorable sons and we live with my tween and two cats." Every day I was smothered with anxiety and more intrusive thoughts. If I was awake I was crying. I was avoiding my sons, which just made my anxiety worse. I didn't trust myself driving, being alone, or trust myself with my boys. Some days I didn't want to leave my bed or the couch. Nothing seemed to help. Jim wasn't getting enough sleep either. He watched over me as I slept and would wake up constantly to make sure I was still in bed. So I called a  psychiatrist but they wouldn't be able to see me until after the weekend. I didn't think I could wait so I talked to my cousin and Jim about me checking myself into the Psych ward at the Deland hospital. Jim was very upset. He has always been able to help me and talk me down. However, this was different. No words helped. Every day I thought of running away to save my family from me. I thought that they would be better off without me.

Once at the hospital and on the psych floor I felt more relieved. I was started on paxil and seroquel. The first day was still spent crying. I'm a very shy person and didn't like that I couldn't talk to nor see my family whenever I wanted. A lot of the time I just wanted to go back home.

When I met the psychiatrist he didn't say much to me. It was mostly me rambling on about my symptoms. At the end of it I told him I felt like I was going crazy and asked him if I would ever feel normal again. He never looked up from my chart and was writing something down continuously. When he spoke to me he asked what prescriptions I was on and what had I been on in the past. I told him that I only have been on anti-seizure medications, never anti-depressants.

I met with him one more time during my stay. But it pretty much went the same way as above. This time, however, we sat in a small office. The same place I was checked into and where the nurses took my belongings to put them into a locker. This time he was typing something into the computer and I could see my chart. At the top in black ink he had diagnosed me as being bipolar. That diagnosis stuck with me the rest of my visit because it didn't seem right. I've seen bipolar! I grew up with bipolar! There was no way that I was bipolar! I talked to my husband and cousin during visiting hours and they both agreed that I wasn't bipolar. I even talked amongst  my peers and therapist, different therapist, during group and they agreed that based on my symptoms it sounded like postpartum depression. I felt so relieved to have people listen to me and reassure me that it was postpartum depression. Some of the other women there have also suffered from it and reassured me that things would get better. However, I still had the intrusive thoughts but now that I was on medication and sleeping through the night they weren't as loud.

When I was released from the hospital I was still on paxil, seroquel, and klonopin (for anxiety). Paxil seemed to help the most. I was only to take klonopin as needed, which in the beginning was twice a day. Seroquel I took at night but as my baby didn't sleep through the night and seroquel made me too tired to hear him, I quit taking seroquel. Eventually it got to the point where I was taking one klonopin a day and then none a day. My anxiety stopped.

I was now going to therapy once a week. I told him about my diagnosis and that I didn't think it was right. He asked me what kind of things made me upset and so I told him. One of the things that upset me the most was having my day planned out and then an unexpected incident, such as my car breaking down, happening so that I would miss work and would need a ride. I don't like being dependent upon others. Also, I told him that I had looked up a Postpartum site on Facebook. I had become a member and a lot of the other mothers were sharing the same feelings and fears that I had! As my therapist and I talked about my symptoms and experiences he agreed that I had postpartum depression. He also noted that I was suffering from PTSD because of happenings during my childhood.

Now it's seventeen months later and I'm feeling more like my old self! There's no anxiety about harming my children or myself. There's no intrusive thoughts and I've been off of Zoloft for two weeks! Yesterday was the first day I had the energy to do a workout routine and these past few weeks have been the first few that I have been able to wake up before my alarm went off to take my oldest son to school.

It has been a long and exhausting journey but I finally feel as though it's coming to an end. So to the people, the group, the other women sharing their stories, my hubby, my cousin, my family thank you! Without any of you I don't think I would have made it!

Postpartum depression is scary! It's real! You're constantly on guard as you fear your biggest fears coming true: hurting your child, hurting yourself, not feeling good enough, and never being you again. I had constant fears of being bipolar or schizophrenic as I thought I would never be normal again. But it does get better. If you're reading this and you're struggling please hang in there because it does get better! Take it a day at a time, or if you felt like I did and it seemed unlikely that you could, then take it minute by minute, or hour by hour. In the beginning I couldn't think of tomorrow so I grasped on to minutes.

I felt like life was going by too fast, there was too much to get done... The chores that needed to be done, just the thought of them exhausted me. I didn't trust myself driving or being alone with my kids. A lot of the time my cousin was doing the driving and my hubby would come home from a full day's work and help with chores, homework, and dinner because I never left the couch. I hated feeling so useless but my cousin pointed out that one day I made it through and I managed to laugh. She reminded me that even a small accomplishment was still an accomplishment and though I didn't see it I was getting better. She often had to remind me that I was a good mother because I only saw the negative. I only saw the mother that never left the couch. Not the mother who cuddled with her baby, made him smile and laugh, or the mother who was taking care of her son and never left his side.

However, now I feel back to normal and I know that I am a great mom, not perfect, but pretty great. I try to stay on top of the laundry, the dishes, helping my oldest with homework, and making dinner. I don't feel like a failure as a mother and I know that I never would, never will hurt my children for they are my everything, my greatest blessings. So again thank you to everyone who helped me along my road to recovery <3 And seriously if you have the same feelings that I experienced or are struggling hold on because as dark as it is right now it will get so much brighter!

    

Myths and First Aid For Epilepsy and Seizures

     The common myths of epilepsy that I've heard are: 1. Place something in their mouth so the person seizing won't bite off their tongue and or choke on it.

     The 2nd one I heard while I was in my freshman year in college. I was taking a Speech class and had to teach the classroom something for five minutes. Naturally I chose epilepsy. I spoke of my seizure experiences and told how my mom witnessed my second one. When I told them how my mother said I didn't breathe for three minutes the teacher asked, "Doesn't that mean you were dead?"

     So the 1st one: do people who are seizing bite off their tongue, swallow it, and choke on it? No. More than likely they'll bite their tongue but they won't bite it off. Also, they don't swallow while they're seizing so, no they won't swallow their tongue.

     2nd are we alive? Yes. While we may not be breathing our hearts are still beating, so we still have a pulse. Also, our brains are alive so obviously people seizing are still alive.

     Another myth is that you need to call 911 after every seizure. No, only if the seizure lasts longer than five minutes or if they are having seizures continuously. Also, you'll need to call 911 if the person seizing does not have a history of having seizures. If someone falls and/or gets injured before or after having a seizure please stay with him/her and call 911.

     Seizures are serious and are scary. They do cause damage to brain cells. Because we don't breathe during seizures our brains are being starved of oxygen, which of course, is dangerous for pregnant women too. If the woman seizing is pregnant you'll need to call 911. She could have fallen and injured her abdomen, or she might've gotten hurt while she was seizing.

     When you see someone seizing:
 1. remain calm. They're not freaks, they're not possessed. It's something that he/she can't help because let's be honest, who wants to have a seizure?

     2. Lay him/her on their side. Because people seizing don't swallow, their spit is accumulating in their mouth and when he does stop seizing he'll need to swallow and he won't want to choke on his spit. Also, if he's on his side he's less likely to hit his head on the ground or something else.

     3. Loosen his clothes if you need to. (Ties or button up shirts/jackets. Things that could be constricting his airway).

     4. Time the seizure. A normal seizure will last under five minutes. If it's longer call 911.

     5. Stay with him. Be calm. Be patient. A person coming out of a seizure will be confused and disoriented. Be reassuring. Be kind.

     I know a few people will want to try and stop someone from seizing so you might try to hold them down. Please don't. You or the person seizing could get hurt in the process.

     There is no cure for epilepsy. Unfortunately anti seizure medications don't work for everyone. People die every year from seizing in a bathtub or a pool where they drown. People lose consciousness and have a seizure while driving or get seriously injured on the fall down as they lose consciousness. I'll say it again it's not fun living with epilepsy. But you can make it easier for people like me who are living with epilepsy by educating yourself about this condition and offering support to those affected by epilepsy. Always be kind and don't judge what you don't understand.

Picture Day!

     So in the spirit of the holidays Jim and I decided to have the boys' pictures taken. I found this girl's Portrait Page on Facebook and she did an amazing job!

     The boys were difficult, of course, but the pictures came out great anyway! James missed his nap so he was cranky. And because James was cranky Kevin was getting annoyed. We all know that when kids are upset they don't listen very well.

     But regardless of the boys doing their own thing Jamie knows a great shot when she sees one.  So if you haven't heard of her and you live in Florida look up Jamie Dorsey. Here's our boys:

     In case you wondered Jim wasn't planning on being a part of the pictures. He was throwing James up in the air and James loved it, as you can see.

     Wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving. May your hearts and bellies be full. And may you always remember your blessings and remain grateful.

Love,

The Panko Family