Epilepsy

It's been a while since I wrote. Work keeps me busy. My life keeps me busy. November is Epilepsy Awareness month, so here I am writing once again about Epilepsy.

I think that people think that it can't happen to them or they don't know anyone who is suffering, so why should they learn about it? Well, I once thought that too.

I was a Sophomore at a high school called Pine Ridge in Central Florida. I had shakes. I didn't know what caused it or when to expect them but it was embarrassing. I felt like a freak! And it was frustrating! Why couldn't I control my body?!

What was more frustrating was that no one believed me. I was a teenager so a part of my life was talking on the telephone. I remember I had the phone between my shoulder and my ear, a bag of chips in one hand, and the other was a bowl of cheese dip. Anyway, I had "shakes" and I dropped the phone. To make matters worse my mom walked by, "Why are you acting so retarded?" When I told her I couldn't help it she said, "Yeah, right!"

Another time I was in seminary, it was 6am, and I was sitting by my best friend when a "shake" happened. I was so embarrassed! My best friend let out a laugh, "What was that?" I felt so ashamed and wanted to hide and cry. I folded my arms and hid my face,  "I don't know, " I replied.

Shakes is the only word I could think to describe it. My arms or legs would tense up. I would drop things if I was holding something in my hands or my knees would buckle and I'd fall to the floor when a "shake" happened. I could also feel my chest get tight as I'd stop breathing and my eyes would roll back. These two things happened regardless if the "shakes" took place in my arms or legs.

Once I was drinking my Slim Fast on the way to seminary when the "shakes" struck. I dropped my drink multiple times, completely covering my pants in the chocolate drink. I was so embarrassed! I wrapped my sweater around my waist desperately trying to cover it up and my mom later took me home to change.

I was starting to notice a pattern. It only seemed to happen when I was exhausted, so when I had the "shakes" I would put my head down on my desk or lay down if it happened at home.

However, the big one happened during the F-CAT, Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test. I was 15 years old. I was called into the auditorium to take the F-CAT. I had a horrible headache and thought it was from being tired. Everyone was handed a packet and a number 2 pencil. We were all seated every other chair. After listening to the rules I grabbed my pencil, broke the seal on the packet, and started reading the questions. Then to my horror it happened! I had the "shakes" in my arms and I dropped my pencil! "It's happening now!" I thought to myself. I hate asking for help, but I bit my tongue, swallowed my pride, and asked the girl in front of me for my pencil. When she turned around I saw it was Christina, a blond girl from my German class. She was nice and passed my pencil to me with a smile. However, this happened at least two more times. I was getting frustrated and beyond embarrassed so I decided to take a break. I put my head on my arms and concentrated on my breathing. Maybe I can wait this out.

When I woke up there were adults in my face. They looked worried and were shouting at me, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. "Am I in trouble for falling asleep?" I looked around me and I saw that all my peers had been moved to the top left seats of the auditorium. "What's going on," I wondered. I turned my attention back to the teachers, "What's your name? What's your mom's name? What's your phone number?" They weren't difficult questions but my brain felt like it was in a fog. I couldn't think of the answers. I could feel myself panic as I realized I didn't know the answers either! I heard myself say, "I don't know," and a teacher scoffed "You don't know your mom's name!" I knew how absurd it was so I desperately tried to recall her face. Brown hair, brown eyes like me, "Her name is Terri!" I shouted, "Terri Fish and she works at Wal-Mart!" I quickly gave them the phone number, but still had no idea why they were asking me these questions or what was going on. It was about to take another turn as I saw paramedics rolling a stretcher towards me. My mind was laughing, "This is ridiculous! What is going on?" I thought to myself.

No more words. No more questions. The paramedics helped me onto the stretcher and rolled me towards the doors. I saw my peers looking at me and I felt so embarrassed! I waved to my friend, Dustin, but really wanted to pull the sheets over my head and disappear.

The paramedics wheeled me to the ambulance and loaded me into the back. "Do you want the siren on?" she asked. My headache was still there so I shook my head no. "You don't know what happened, do you?" she asked. I shook my head once more. "We're taking you to the hospital because you had just had a grandmal seizure." I wanted to cry. Nothing has ever happened to me before. I was 15 and my life was uneventful! or so I thought.

Over the next few days I stayed at the hospital being monitored. My mom stayed with me and my dad and friends would visit me after work or school. Jim said, "There are better ways to get out of testing!" He always could make me laugh.

The doctors said seizures are common amongst teenagers because they're brought on by stress and lack of sleep. I knew I suffered from both of these things. The doctor said it was a one time occurrence so he didn't give me any medication.

A German exchange student, Ninja, (pronounced Nin-ya) came to stay with us but my "shakes" were returning. I had to leave school early and my second seizure took place days later in my parents bed. I was getting ready for school when I started having "shakes" in my arms. I went to tell my mom so she told me to go to bed and when I turned to go to my room my knees buckled. My mom had to help me to her bed and she told my dad, who was in bed, to look after me.

I woke up in the hospital. My mom said I called out, "Oh, no!" which got my dad's attention and he called my mom to the bedroom. My mom said my muscles tensed and seized uncontrollably. She said my lips turned purple from not breathing, I was foaming at the mouth from not swallowing, and she timed that it lasted for three minutes.

I had to undergo a sleep study, a MRI, and an EKG. Then I was finally diagnosed with Epilepsy. They put me on Dilantin. It controlled my seizures but was sun sensitive so I broke out in hives after spending the day at the Springs with my friends. So then I was put on Depakote. I would remain on this for the rest of my high school career. However, I gained a bunch of weight and was beyond lethargic from it.

After high school I was put on Neurontin. My body grew accustomed to it and I had another seizure. One after another, as a matter of fact. I was at a concert and called my mom to come pick me up. I had one in the car on the way home and another in the hospital.

Over the years I've had many seizures. Usually in public places. Always embarrassing and frustrating! My mom would always wake me up for high school with a pill and a glass of water. When I would forget to take my medicine at night she'd get understandably angry because she's worried about my health and well being! But I would forget because I was healthy for the first 15 years of my life. Now 18 years later I've grown accustomed to being sick. I try to make sure I go to bed at a decent time and make sure I always take my pills. Very rarely do I forget them. It is a part of my life. They may as well be another appendage. Epilepsy is a part of who I am. It doesn't define me, but it has become a part of me. I pray one day I won't be afflicted by it anymore. Because of it I am always exhausted, I can be forgetful, I am prone to migraines, and at times I still feel like my mind is in a fog. However, I refuse to let it win! I have a life I love! A job I love and two beautiful boys!

Before you judge me or anyone else struggling with Epilepsy realize we are doing our best and with medication, hopefully, we can become successful adults. I am one of the lucky few whose seizures are being controlled by epilepsy medication. The one that we found works for me is Keppra.

Please look up Epilepsy and learn what you can about it. You never know you may know someone who is afflicted with this neurological disorder but is too afraid of being judged to say anything.

Once upon a time I thought I was invincible. Then I was diagnosed with Epilepsy and my life was forever changed by my diagnosis.